ears,noses and throats, oh my!

I have been waiting since early October to get in to see an Otolaryngologists. There aren't very many (read, 1) here, so while my symptoms weren't anything serious, I figured if something needed to be done I better get on the waiting list while I could still walk. You see, my sinuses/throat always feels like there is something stuck in it. I am constantly trying to swallow whatever that may be, and honestly, it's pretty gross. And never goes away. Also, not really a huge concern of mine, but hypothetically due to the blocked sinuses, I have started snoring. Super awesome for Big Red.

So finally the big day. Since I'd never been to this particular office, it was decided by someone that was not me, that I needed a complete exam. It must all start with the ears or something, cause that's essentially what the full exam entailed. First, I had to sit down so she could check the pressure in my ears. She assures me this won't hurt. Then she starts reefing my ears into unnatural positions so she can shove a mangy looking piece of plastic in to them (apparently the "nothing bigger then your elbow" rule doesn't apply here and sterilization is optional). Once she seemed happy with my level of discomfort, she began to blow air into my ears. I must have misshapen ears, because more reefing and pulling was necessary to get the plastic bit to seal properly so maximum pressure and discomfort could be attained.

Next, I needed a hearing test. To perform said test, they close you in a room that looks like it was fabricated in Russian during the first World War. Only, instead of feeling safe in my own personal "bomb shelter" I had the feeling that if a bomb were to go off, somehow that room would implode while the rest of the building just shook a little. Anyway, the hearing test is no big deal, but they totally try to trick you. The first beeps come rhythmically, so you feel that you should be hearing the next one. The you worry there is a next one, but you can't hear it. So then you imagine noises and you press the button anyway. What started as a tiny concern about excess snot has now wound up with me getting a hearing aid...

Finally, I'm done with the technicalities and we can focus on why I'm really there. My nez. I explain my problems to the doctor. He looks at my tonsils - they are apparently a normal size. The rest of the exam is going to be much more serious. So serious it necessitates a metal forehead reflector. This makes me happy indeed. The rest does not. After careful placement of forehead reflector, he stuck a mirror waaaaay back in my throat so he could look up my nose. This was kinda like having a throat culture taken, but it took longer, so I was starting to have issues with not gagging. All clear! You would think this would be good. Not so much. Having a clear nasal passage meant he wanted to look down my throat. OMG. So he takes gauze and pulls my tongue out a painful amount. Then he takes a crazy snaky mirror and weaves it under my tongue and down my throat. Then he reminds me to breath because I am freaking out and holding my breath. I'm sure this took all of 45 seconds, but it felt like forever. The verdict? All clear.

What? So he's explaining to me that there is absolutely nothing blocking my throat in either direction. That my tonsils are totally normal and not causing the problem. And I have no adenoids, so that's not it either. I must have had a very confused look on my face. Cause I can feel something, as he's telling me this, in my throat. His assessment? Stress.

Stress? I wasn't aware I was stressed?! Not being aware that I have enough stress to make me think I'm sick makes me more stressed! As one final last shot I ask why I'm snoring. He takes one look at my profile and says "Oh, you have an out chin." Like that explains it all. Reading my mind he continues, "People with out chins tend to swallow their tongues when they sleep." Great...

So all this time I have been (unsuccessfully) trying to swallow my tonsils. But somewhat successfully swallowing my tongue. Awesome?